Yes, boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. That magical season when our thoughts turn from the mundane frustrations of the rest of the year and begin to dwell on matters of far greater significance. For instance, with whom we are going to knock big, red, fur-lined boots at the end of the night when Aunt Christine’s watered-down nog has finally kicked in.
Here at Unshredded, we know how difficult and potentially disastrous a decision this can be, and so, in the spirit of the season, we turn to the stars for guidance. Because if you’re going to lead off with “What’s your sign, baby?” and, looking at you, we suspect you will, you might as well understand the answer.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries can be a confusing lot, with a powerful combination of male and female energies in play, so be prepared for roles to be loosely defined at best. They live in the moment too, so don’t expect much in the way of cuddling, phone calls the next day, or the capacity to remember your name. And, as a final word of warning, their sign is “The Ram”, so bring ointment.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taureans are most closely associated with Earth and Nature, which either means that they are remarkably sensual or have personal hygiene issues. Possibly both. What is definitely true is that they hate change, so abrupt alterations of position may unsettle them.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The ruling pursuit of Geminis is to explore a bit of everything, so if you still have that gimp mask you bought on a dare last year in Ibiza, dust it off.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, as a sign, produces some of the greatest romantics on Earth, but they are also the most likely to take it badly when things go wrong. So, expect an incredibly intimate night, but it’s probably not a great idea to regale them with tales of your pet bunny, Flopsy.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A Leo is a leader, a trendsetter, a star. They’ll do their damnedest to show you a good time, but once it’s over, they’ll be on their way. Their weakness is pride, so don’t expect them to handle it well when you snort and ask them, “And what, exactly, is that supposed to be?”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgos are perfectionists, keen givers and wildly creative. A Virgo will give you the night of your life and leave you begging for more. To give you an example, the author of this piece is a Virgo and he is awesome.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Librans are dreamers – and we’re not talking about that one where you’re taking a geography test naked, while a shark dressed as your grandmother whistles the hits of Taylor Swift. They are looking for “The One” and are therefore easily disappointed, which might have something to do with the fact that you have a three-day-old mustard stain on your trousers.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpions are intense, dramatic and passionate. They are old souls, poets. Which sounds great, but when they tell you, in the middle of proceedings, that you fill their being with a strange, erotic melancholy, you’ll be haunted by it for the rest of your life and will thereafter, inexplicably, burst into tears whenever you see a beret.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarians are endlessly exuberant and ambitious – once they set their minds to something, they won’t rest until it happens, so just bear in mind that you’ll probably end up needing a hip replacement when you’re older.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorns are often high-flyers in the business world, which – if we’re remembering 50 Shades of Grey correctly – means that the sex will involve an enormous amount of email exchanges and cause you to develop an “inner goddess” with the IQ of a radish.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarians march to the beat of their own drummer. Unfortunately, the drummer comes with the package, so best avoided if you’re not into threesomes.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisceans are firm believers in turning fantasies into realities. Except that thing you keep going on about with the Catherine Wheel and the sea lion. That’s just messed up.
Whatever sign you choose, we implore you all to be careful this Christmas. I mean, it’s icy out there, you might fall over and hurt yourself.
– Words by Kenton Hall . Kenton is a writer, director, musician and actor. In 2013, he can be seen – briefly – singing and dancing in Tom Hooper’s Les Miserables and playing a struggling single father in Clare Speller’s Father to Fall, which he also wrote. He also has a solo album – Exits Pursued by a Bear – coming out in the spring, a novel – Godbothering – when he finally finishes the damn thing, and, according to reliable sources, will work for food.